Off to the big city!

I won't be on for a couple of days maybe cause I'm goin to the citys to staay in a hotel for a program called Youth in goverment. It should be a blast! I get to room with one of my very good friends Alisha (who you either know or have definately heard about! :P) so that should be kickass and we are gonna deck out our room with tibetan prair flags and lava lamps and hippie music and a few awesome posters. And I got some awesome food and I'm just really excited!!!!! I wish tasia and hope could go lke they did last year but I guess... you win some you lose some.But yeah so I'm really excited but I have to go eat dinner now so BYE!

Momma who bore me...

I'm in a really slow soppy music kinda mood today.

Playlist
Momma who bore me-Spring Awakening
Baby I'm yours-Arctic monkeys
Never an absolution & hymn to the sea-titanic
Auld Lang Syne by-Straight no chaser
Till kingdom come, Fix You, What if, And many more-Coldplay

And the likes :)

i've really been thinking alot lately about religion and ofcourse my own religion: Buddhism. More than ever do I take refuge in it. I was never very religious as a child or pre-teen but ever since I began to develop depression it has become much more of a comfort to me. When all else is abandoned I still have the the three jewels to comfort me and the eightfold path to guide me. I have especialy been thinking about a large teaching in buddhism which is that of togetherness. I recently had a discussion with a very good friend of mine about kindness. Her view was that you can not be kind to others until you are kind to oneself. I, I am ashamed to say, accused her of selfishness. However I stick by my words. Although i see her point I still believe she abuses the idea so she can feel comfortable not putting forth much effort to be kind on her bad days. The converstion really made me think. And although I did not say it at the time I have since remebered one of my favorite buddhist teachings that perfectly sums up the matter. Now he said this as he spoke of the togetherness of all peoples of the world (which by the way is a belief I put a lot of store in). I believe strongly in the rule of karma and how everyone is connected so this saying really rings true with me, and it is something I try to keep in mind every day. The Buddha once said: "Any kindness you practice on anyone else is truly a kindness to ones self" if that isn't proof of his enlightenment I don't know what is :)

I have something I need to say...

Right now the list of people that really care about me is pitifully short. And yeah its made me relapse into my depression. Nothing like the holidays to kill your spirits. I just have so much shit going on with my family right now, and it's left me really stressed out and I'm sorry if I've been mean or rude to anyone but I just can't take all this anymore. I try my fucking best and all i ever do is fail. It's just like everthing I do lets someone down and everything I say pisses someone off. And I just wish everyone could know how much I try, how eveything I do is premeditated to try and please people. And how crushed I am that it never works. I know that sometimes I'm a little to... direct with my opinions but that is WHO I AM. Please stop persecuting me for it. I just... dont' know what to say. I never claimed to be perfect. I am FULLY AWARE than I am a horrible person and DO NOT need the daily reminder from everyone. I know i can be: Hypocritical, a lier, a manipulator, an ass, a preacher, stubborn, mean, racist, stupid, presuptious, imposing, and all in all a HORRIBLE PERSON. please stop telling me about it! Last time I checked I was trying to be civil! I tried not to call names or get angry and what did it get me? A bunch of pissed of teenage girls and an ass full of insults. I am a buddhist, and peace, understanding, empathy, and karma are all very important concepts to me. Please don't question that maddie it really really hurts my feelings. I am ALWAYS trying for those things. Do I fuck up sometimes? Yeah I have basically fucked up EVERYTHING in my life, and quite a few other peoples apparrently. WHY CAN'T EVERYONE JUST BE NICE, TO EVERYONE?!?!?!?!?! All I ask for is a little kindness. I never knew it was such a bother.

Hope you all had a very Awesome holiday season and for school goers are enjoying break!

Updates and a treacherey

So my life has been relatively calm lately which scares me. With so much turmoil behind me I can't help but feel like it's the eye of the storm. It doesn't make me cautious though it only makes me more crazy to enjoy every minute of this. So yeah right now I'm living it up. Even though I hate christmas. All it represents is lies to me. Twisted huh? oh well. I had fun @ Alisha's b-day party. We parted like... well like we were considerably younger than we are. But all this time to think I've had lately is making me koo koo. So I'll probably doing more stuff like that soon. But for now I've got a Treachery and a poem to realive... my... tension. (lol love you ALEX)

Treacherey.

1. I do realize what you are doing for me and all I can say is THANK YOU. You have no idea how much I need you right now. Just don't think i don't appreciate it. And especially don't think I don't appreciate YOU.

2.I secretly cackle at your downfalls. We all have our flaws.

3.Don't push my buttons because with you I feel safe enough to push back.

4. I know I'm a horrible person, you don't have to remind me.

5. I am so very sorry.

6. I'm not sorry at all. And that makes me worried.

7. Grow up and get smart. Think about someone else for a change and make some sacrifices. We ALL have too and you are simply NOT an exception.

8. I really wish you didn't see me that way. I really wish everyone didn't see me that way. But they do and I am so sorry.

9. I really can't control myself around you. This is going to be a long brake.

10. You are truly a god send and just what I needed right now. I don't know what I'd do without the happiness you've brought me. I'm happy we are friends.

And the poem...

Ehh it's kinda crap:


Twinkle twinkle little star
keep up the lies
don't show who you are

Twinkle twinkle little star
don't stop for the fallen
keep fighting your war

Twinkle twinkle little star
don't face your problems
just run, and run far

Twinkle twinkle little star
I once was you
I've got the same scars

Twinkle twinkle little star
do you even remeber
who you were

Twinkle twinkle little star
the things you do aren't good
your so bizzare

Twinkle twinkle little star
do you see now
how wrong you are?

Hope you liked 'em cause I liked doing 'em :)

I LOVE...

The WKUK
Convo's with Xander & Alisha (never fails to brighten my day)
Candy Land
That 70's Show
Woody Allen
Lookbook
The cold
All my friends
Music in general
Old Dutch Potato chips

It makes you feel better when you list ten things you really love.

well it got me thinking...

SO I'm currently righting an Essay on "To Kill A Mockingbird" and it's showing me a lot about the current state of society. I mean it hasn't really got much better on the acceptance front since those days has it? It seems as if, maybe, these days we s a people are a little more ashamed of it, keep bigotry on the hush hush, and most people would say thats a step forward. But is it really? Now I'm no dummie, I'm OBVIOUSLY thankful (especially with our new president!!!) that racism seems to not factor so much into our goverment or serious things like murders anymore. But it is far from dead. Infact I would even venture to say that our lives are now more consumed by bigotry than ever before! We now not only seperate people by their place of origin or color of thein skin but by every minescule facet of their being! Modern society analyzes and judges everyone until the can be put into sub-group after sub-group until we are all really outcasts, categorized into alone-ness, and some how proud of it. Now don't geet me wrong I'm all about individuallity (i like to consider myself a very unique person) but is any of that really worth anything if we are, indeed, alone? So was it maybe better than when things were simpler? When society was not so analytically crazed? Maybe it was easier to be able to only have to get past one barrier of acceptance (skin color) than all these new walls we've put up for ourselves. Maybe?