Make me feel good when I hurt so bad.

Sunday, November 1, 2009
Dear diary,

This coming week is opening week for father knows best. I'm so happy to have a good role w/ lines and all but it's made me realize acting for me will probably never be more than a hobby. I'm just not phenomonal. Meh. So anyway Friday was the concert night. I went w/ jostyn luke josh francis Laura and sydney. Everone was really chill and I hung out a bunch w/ laura which was great cause we are so close. The pic is actually her when she was my age.So yeah it was chill and we ate wendys, and she is a horrible driver and almost hit a whole row of mailboxes but it was very fun. The concert was very crazy. For bands played but Hyland and Love out loud were the only epic ones. There was lots of sweating and moshing and crowd surfing and candy, the way concerts should be. Then saturday morning I got up early to go volunteer for an how at the local old folks home. molly picked me and francis up and me and molly talked about how she got high with walker and joe hennen and Tobyramaswamy. pretty trippy. Kinda wish I had been with her especially since joe is my favorite. Oh well. The volunteering was boring and I mostly just danced around to this rap I was singing... anyways then I went home veged out for a little while, showered (finally at the concert the hot lead singer sprayed us with water/spit. funny but gross) andbut on jeans and a thermal to go get high and go trick or treating. Teddi was freaking out and making a big deal about being really secretive and alex was being a bitcha nd pretending like she had a phd in baking a bowl even though I know for a fact shes smoked a total of four times and didn't even really get it right till this time. She just thinks shes cool because she slut-ed her way into smoking with 3 stoner juniors at our school. Not even hot ones. Anyways I'm a little bitter and from now on I'M keeping our glass bowl with me. So anyways we gathered (me josh francis kari teddi Alex hall and jostyn)and went to trick or treat a few house before crawling into this little pine tree room that is the bowm to smoke in. We smoked like 20 bucks worth of pretty good shit and as everone started to leave me and josh stayed back to finish the bowl. he was being weird all night, sticking by my side, then flirting with kari, then flirting with me, then calling me his ex girlfriends name so... I have no idea whats going on with him and me. He keeps saying shit like we should chill sometime and "your the only girl I have ever told secrets too" but he's such a dick. I just wish we could be friends. who knows. So anyways we were throughly baked and then we trick or treated and laughed and I freaked out josh and fell down a muddy hill and died. It was awesome. We hung out at teddis a little while then and josh and francis played for me on their guitars. After they split and alex fream showed up the five us girls had girl talk, than smoked a few bowls. It was freams first time high and was trippy shit.I couldn't tell if she was faking it or not though. We watched Alice and wonderaland and freaked the fuck out then passed out in a pile.It was the best. My hair is in horrible nots though. then today i went shopping again to prepare for the play. i'm excited but nervous too a little atleast. Dress rehersal tomorrow I'll talk to you again when I get a minute!
Love Landis 8:01pm

Oh happy happy day!

i'm in love blogosphere! Also show week this week! GAHAH I'm so happy right now. I'll right something sensical later.

Surrealism

I recently had a bit of a life changing experience and it really rattled me. Really. It's one of those things that even thinking about makes my eyebrows scrunch and makes me bite my lip. It so confounding. Sorry but I don't really feel comfortable enough to say anything more on here.

TREACHERY:

1. It's been almost a week. I'll never think of you the same way again. And I'll never understand Monday the 16th of February 2009. Maybe someday i'll be okay with that, maybe that's whats supposed to happen, the natural course of the universe.

2.I think I understand you now. More than anyone else ever has or will. And that simple fact frightens me.

3. Thanks for the effort. I'm just wondering how long it'll last.

Thats all. And now for two small rants that have been rattling around in my skull.

YOU NEED TO FUCKING GROW UP. Everyone. Seriously. I used to be afraid of growing up, mostly I thought it would take away my individuality. But being an adult has nothing to do with that. Being adult doesn't mean getting a job and getting serious and losing your dreams. Growing up means being mature and able to handle the world without going crazy, or pushing it off on other people. It means being atleast trying to be kind to everyone, even on your bad days. And honestly when I think about it neither of my parents are "grown up" nor my brother or any of my friends. And honestly, not to be conceited, but i'm probably farther down the path than any of them. Which makes me proud and isolated. Ironic that when you better yourself, you hurt your well-being. I am finally begining to understand why most of the human race chose to stay mindless sheep all through life. At least they have company.

I wonder sometimes if the stars fell one by one from the sky, if the sun exploded and the rivers foamed and if everything were made of precious jewels, if flowers grew on every flat surface and the world constantly smelled slightly of cookies. What then? Would everyone be as happy as I am that I still have life and would everyone out there experience as much beauty as I see when I open my eyes each morning? Would humanity thrive finally free from the bonds of darkness and depression or would we simply crumble under the weight of such magnifisance?

and finally my friend tasia said something very cool to me last friday to paraphrase:

Human existance is the existance of a bee. We work away quietly each in our little cells commanded by a power who just works in their own roomier cell. But if we try, really try, to break out and free ourselves, we can. And when we push and shove until finally the walls of our little prison crash and crumble around us the dust clears and we find we have accomplished nothing other than pissing of the bees in the surrounding living spaces and ruining our own home.

It doesn't mean i'm going to stop trying though.

I'm just a poor boy nobody loves me! HE'S JUST A POOR BOY FROM A POOR FAMILY

listening to Boheniam Rhapsody. GALILEO! GALILEO! i was rockin out to tenacious d today. Awesome. Me and my bro had a strange sort of heart to heart the other day. i have a fucked up family. Sigh. I AM GOING TO WEAR MY NEW VINTAGE SWEATER TOMORROW! GAHHH!!!!1! I love it so much. Gotta go to bed. I hope you all dont become slaves to society. tootles!

"Its pronounced ERBS." Well the british pronounce it HERBS and everyone knows they are more evolved."

I said this in line at subway today. I'm a strange one. I'm posting here cause I have no good pictures today. I probably wont for the rest of the week. Sigh. And I feel like I'm to busy to write these days. "And so the simple pleasures of summer are swept away with the autumn breeze..." I'm just so busy these days. I really love the Wombats and thier song "Party in the Forest". i'm listening to it now as I attempt to get a start on my project on the Nez-Perce due tomorrow. Sigh. I also forgot my math at school. Sigh. Sarah would kill me :) I THOUGHT RAVES LIKE THESE DIED IN THE 90'S! Did you know that cannabis (a drug similar in effect to marajuana and smoked in a bong) (oh and also the drug M. Phelps uses) is actually less addictive than Caffine? not to mention alcohol and Cigs. So think about that next time you sit down for your morning cup of joe. You could be getting high. :)

Feeling strange.

Watched Benny and Joon today. Proceeded to make toast with the iron. I burned myself but it was all good fun. I also went to the dentist today. They told me I have to get my wisdom teeth removed ASAP. And I'm only 14. I see that as a sign. Also working on my mathematical theorum for the decceleration of human existance. Very interesting. Unlike my homework. Sigh. haven't done any yet. Oh well. I'll do it later :) I believe I have finally convinced my mother to let me ride my bike without a helmet. I'm so excited. You know what she said her condiio was?? "only if we can buy you a new bike." My parents are so backwards sometimes. Not saying I'm comlaining, just thought is should be mentioned. It's dress like a kid day tomorrow at school. I cant think of anything to wear. I'll think of something though. I'm sure :) My first EBAY purchase is on it's way in the mail. I am very happy about this. I'll upload pics to Charm from the home country when I get it. I have to go attempt my homework now, the mission will most likely be futile. But just as well.

Listening too: I'm gonna be (500 miles) by the Proclaimers

Lists

Currently Obseesed with/like:

Young Love by the Mystery Jets
Art Blogs
Let's Get out of this Country by Camera Obscura
Facebook
Mintmall
Lookbook
Lists
Feathers
Plotting
How perfectly everything always works out if you will it so
People who like me for who I am
all my little friendlits
happiness
Flatland
Music
Boys
the movie Into the Wild

Thinks I dislike/am annoyed with:
Fox News
Boys
My parents
Sadness
My brother
PEOPLE THINKING I WANT TO BE LIKE MY BROTHER
Sno daze pressures
couples
oppression
not being free
how fast I'm blowing my money
being bored

And there you have it

Off to the big city!

I won't be on for a couple of days maybe cause I'm goin to the citys to staay in a hotel for a program called Youth in goverment. It should be a blast! I get to room with one of my very good friends Alisha (who you either know or have definately heard about! :P) so that should be kickass and we are gonna deck out our room with tibetan prair flags and lava lamps and hippie music and a few awesome posters. And I got some awesome food and I'm just really excited!!!!! I wish tasia and hope could go lke they did last year but I guess... you win some you lose some.But yeah so I'm really excited but I have to go eat dinner now so BYE!

Momma who bore me...

I'm in a really slow soppy music kinda mood today.

Playlist
Momma who bore me-Spring Awakening
Baby I'm yours-Arctic monkeys
Never an absolution & hymn to the sea-titanic
Auld Lang Syne by-Straight no chaser
Till kingdom come, Fix You, What if, And many more-Coldplay

And the likes :)

i've really been thinking alot lately about religion and ofcourse my own religion: Buddhism. More than ever do I take refuge in it. I was never very religious as a child or pre-teen but ever since I began to develop depression it has become much more of a comfort to me. When all else is abandoned I still have the the three jewels to comfort me and the eightfold path to guide me. I have especialy been thinking about a large teaching in buddhism which is that of togetherness. I recently had a discussion with a very good friend of mine about kindness. Her view was that you can not be kind to others until you are kind to oneself. I, I am ashamed to say, accused her of selfishness. However I stick by my words. Although i see her point I still believe she abuses the idea so she can feel comfortable not putting forth much effort to be kind on her bad days. The converstion really made me think. And although I did not say it at the time I have since remebered one of my favorite buddhist teachings that perfectly sums up the matter. Now he said this as he spoke of the togetherness of all peoples of the world (which by the way is a belief I put a lot of store in). I believe strongly in the rule of karma and how everyone is connected so this saying really rings true with me, and it is something I try to keep in mind every day. The Buddha once said: "Any kindness you practice on anyone else is truly a kindness to ones self" if that isn't proof of his enlightenment I don't know what is :)

I have something I need to say...

Right now the list of people that really care about me is pitifully short. And yeah its made me relapse into my depression. Nothing like the holidays to kill your spirits. I just have so much shit going on with my family right now, and it's left me really stressed out and I'm sorry if I've been mean or rude to anyone but I just can't take all this anymore. I try my fucking best and all i ever do is fail. It's just like everthing I do lets someone down and everything I say pisses someone off. And I just wish everyone could know how much I try, how eveything I do is premeditated to try and please people. And how crushed I am that it never works. I know that sometimes I'm a little to... direct with my opinions but that is WHO I AM. Please stop persecuting me for it. I just... dont' know what to say. I never claimed to be perfect. I am FULLY AWARE than I am a horrible person and DO NOT need the daily reminder from everyone. I know i can be: Hypocritical, a lier, a manipulator, an ass, a preacher, stubborn, mean, racist, stupid, presuptious, imposing, and all in all a HORRIBLE PERSON. please stop telling me about it! Last time I checked I was trying to be civil! I tried not to call names or get angry and what did it get me? A bunch of pissed of teenage girls and an ass full of insults. I am a buddhist, and peace, understanding, empathy, and karma are all very important concepts to me. Please don't question that maddie it really really hurts my feelings. I am ALWAYS trying for those things. Do I fuck up sometimes? Yeah I have basically fucked up EVERYTHING in my life, and quite a few other peoples apparrently. WHY CAN'T EVERYONE JUST BE NICE, TO EVERYONE?!?!?!?!?! All I ask for is a little kindness. I never knew it was such a bother.

Hope you all had a very Awesome holiday season and for school goers are enjoying break!

Updates and a treacherey

So my life has been relatively calm lately which scares me. With so much turmoil behind me I can't help but feel like it's the eye of the storm. It doesn't make me cautious though it only makes me more crazy to enjoy every minute of this. So yeah right now I'm living it up. Even though I hate christmas. All it represents is lies to me. Twisted huh? oh well. I had fun @ Alisha's b-day party. We parted like... well like we were considerably younger than we are. But all this time to think I've had lately is making me koo koo. So I'll probably doing more stuff like that soon. But for now I've got a Treachery and a poem to realive... my... tension. (lol love you ALEX)

Treacherey.

1. I do realize what you are doing for me and all I can say is THANK YOU. You have no idea how much I need you right now. Just don't think i don't appreciate it. And especially don't think I don't appreciate YOU.

2.I secretly cackle at your downfalls. We all have our flaws.

3.Don't push my buttons because with you I feel safe enough to push back.

4. I know I'm a horrible person, you don't have to remind me.

5. I am so very sorry.

6. I'm not sorry at all. And that makes me worried.

7. Grow up and get smart. Think about someone else for a change and make some sacrifices. We ALL have too and you are simply NOT an exception.

8. I really wish you didn't see me that way. I really wish everyone didn't see me that way. But they do and I am so sorry.

9. I really can't control myself around you. This is going to be a long brake.

10. You are truly a god send and just what I needed right now. I don't know what I'd do without the happiness you've brought me. I'm happy we are friends.

And the poem...

Ehh it's kinda crap:


Twinkle twinkle little star
keep up the lies
don't show who you are

Twinkle twinkle little star
don't stop for the fallen
keep fighting your war

Twinkle twinkle little star
don't face your problems
just run, and run far

Twinkle twinkle little star
I once was you
I've got the same scars

Twinkle twinkle little star
do you even remeber
who you were

Twinkle twinkle little star
the things you do aren't good
your so bizzare

Twinkle twinkle little star
do you see now
how wrong you are?

Hope you liked 'em cause I liked doing 'em :)

I LOVE...

The WKUK
Convo's with Xander & Alisha (never fails to brighten my day)
Candy Land
That 70's Show
Woody Allen
Lookbook
The cold
All my friends
Music in general
Old Dutch Potato chips

It makes you feel better when you list ten things you really love.

well it got me thinking...

SO I'm currently righting an Essay on "To Kill A Mockingbird" and it's showing me a lot about the current state of society. I mean it hasn't really got much better on the acceptance front since those days has it? It seems as if, maybe, these days we s a people are a little more ashamed of it, keep bigotry on the hush hush, and most people would say thats a step forward. But is it really? Now I'm no dummie, I'm OBVIOUSLY thankful (especially with our new president!!!) that racism seems to not factor so much into our goverment or serious things like murders anymore. But it is far from dead. Infact I would even venture to say that our lives are now more consumed by bigotry than ever before! We now not only seperate people by their place of origin or color of thein skin but by every minescule facet of their being! Modern society analyzes and judges everyone until the can be put into sub-group after sub-group until we are all really outcasts, categorized into alone-ness, and some how proud of it. Now don't geet me wrong I'm all about individuallity (i like to consider myself a very unique person) but is any of that really worth anything if we are, indeed, alone? So was it maybe better than when things were simpler? When society was not so analytically crazed? Maybe it was easier to be able to only have to get past one barrier of acceptance (skin color) than all these new walls we've put up for ourselves. Maybe?

I'm pretty sure...

that everyone knows life is hard and a few people in mine need to GET OVER THEMSELVES or get the hell out cause i'm done.

Twilight (the only such post)

Unless you live under a rock which is itself under a larger rock you know of the Twilight Books and the movie that has recently come out. I am not, infact, a "Twi-hard" and though I do THROGUHLY enjoy both the books AND the movie I am not insane. I did enjoy the movie enough to see it twice. Sure the acting got a little weak at parts and it veered from the book on a couple of things but that is the beauty of the series. It's not about those weakness's in the movie, or how stephenie meyer isn't a very good writer, or how the books themselves seem silly to outsiders. It is such a beautiful story of love that these things can't bring it down. So even though all us rational people know a vampire will never come along to sweep us off our feet, it keeps the hope of that things like love, chivalry, and true hapiness are still alive and well in these complicated times. It may not stand the test of time but for this generation of youth it is a much needed ray of light to cling to. That is my opinion. Done and Done.

Gone Stark Raving Mad!!!

I don't really know why my mind works the way it does. It's just... different. Idk.
So this play really opened up a whole new world of friends to me. I made so many:):):) And I got so many firsts that I'll never forget. Like:

-First car crash
-first party at a firehouse
-first TENACIOUS D ROCKOUT
-first time getting my back cracked
-first time singin milkshake as a duet with an 18 year old boy
-first time I felt TRULY happy in a long while

I guess I've realized something about depression. It has NOTHING to do with other people or the way they interact with you. It is entirely internal. Realizing this I think I'm at a healthier place. I've finnaly got past blaming everybody for my problem. I know some people see me as a good person and I hope one day too live up too that. I still have trouble with my life sometimes but ultimately I see a future and I think thats all that really matters. Lord knows I'm not cured but I made a step ehh?

OBAMA!!!!!!!!!!!

twmp is back up in the 60's and OBAMA IS AHEAD 206-135!!! CROSS YOUR FINGERS!

I can't believe...

it SNOWED today. God damn this Minnesota weather. Couldn't I have just a few more days of fall?

Maybe I'm a poet, Maybe just a fool

You know what one of the simplistic joys of life is? walking crowded streets or school hallways while tuning out all noise other than the music of an ipod. Doesn't really matter the song. for me it changes everyday. Today it was One Love, Bob Marley. Depending on the song it really changes your perception of the goings on around you.

SO sorry about the lack of post. I have been so busy you would not believe. With the play, and homework and Halloween and everything else I hardly get any free time these days. But I'm not complaining. Theres nothing I like more than being busy. Remeber to keep up to date with thepainwillease.blogspot.com :) I'll see you soon!