Same as what is on myspace

For once I feel I have some things to say that EVERYONE should hear. First of all, yes my blog was about Alisha and no I am not mad at her. Nor do I think you all should think she is a horrible person, I certainly don't. It's just that I needed to tell her those things. Before that relationship was poisonous for me. So honestly I feel relieved about the thing you said, Alisha. It sparked something in me that I have been smothering for FAR to long. As to the matter of us being friends again, I certainly hope it is possible. I am now completely ready for that eventuality, because the fact is that our first go didn't go so well. And the main point of this message is so that not only you but EVERYONE knows the reason for that. It had nothing to do with Alisha. It was my fault and I take full responsibility. I had an extremely hard childhood mostly because of my family and my religion. When I met Alisha it was a turning point for me. She was quirky and out there and perfect and I clung to her. I spent 4 years torturing myself, thinking that I wasn't good enough and then any day she would decide she was too good to be my friend and would drop me, it had happened to me before. I was jealous and anxious and depressed. And now I feel so good, so right. Not happy, exactly, but right. Because she said she didn't want to be my friend. And you know what happened? Absolutely nothing. The world kept spinning, my heart kept beating, and glory of glories I STILL HAD FRIENDS. People still inexplicably loved me. And I got down on my knees and kissed the ground and thanked my lucky stars. Because I think I'll get better now. And for that I am so grateful to you Alisha. You'll never know how grateful. The entire point of the blog was just to hear exactly what you said in your comment. That you hurt too. Because that right there told me we were equals. You were no better than me. You needed and loved me too. And that was all I needed to hear for the past for years. So as they say time heals all wounds. I really hope you will give me another chance to be your friend. Cause honestly in this day and age two girls like us need each other. So please everyone forget about this if you can. And please, Alisha, call me when your ready.

Said the raindrop to the seed...

So this is the most frequently I've posted in a long time. We'll see if I can keep it up. I'm skeptical. Anywho Iheard this song on youtube a few weeks ago and fell in love with it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0AW-LgDx_Qk
It's pretty cool huh?? So what else to say... hmm... I'm going to valleyfair on saturday. I'm super psyched:) I've never been AND XANDER YOU SHOULD DEFINATELY COME!!!! It will be soo fun! Umm yeah so do it or suffer my awful wrath. But not really:) And I may have an audition for juliet. As in Romeo and Juliet. So super excited about that too. And therapy tomorrow. so I can't do anything in late afternoon/evening. Yep. Still living it up bohemian. Who ever said a hippie couldn't have problems or be off an on depressed??? Cause whoever it was I'll get Tasia too sucker (NOT soccer) punch you in the gut. Or maybe the crotch. It shall depend on my mood. Oh that reminds me Tasia : if you see this before I call you I've got a copy of "Something smells rotten in Denmark" for you. I read through it it's pretty hilarious. And I think it should be the final project in the movie. The one that gets us A's:) It totally could. Anywho I guess this is going to be a short blog. Cause I don't have anything else to say:/ Ahh well as Alisha would say Ta!

Oh an P.S. you don't own the words "bomb shit" tyler I will use then whenever I damnwell please.

P.P.S I do realize that you will have to pass along that message Alisha:)

Finally a POST!

This thing is way better than a diary. on a million different levels. But yeah so news flash: LANDIS'S LIFE=SOME CRAZY SHIT!!! Definitely tomorrows headline:) So yeah a lot has been going on lately. A buncha cruncha family issues. My family should win a prize for being the most pathetic. Or we should at least be in the Guinness  World Records book. We totally deserve something. Anyway it's been really stressful lately and I have only told a couple people about all of it. I just don't really want everyone to know yet. It's really complicated and not something even I can't joke about. Except for with Alisha, but that's only because we are in similar boats and are completely insane:) I think the hardest thing about depression is you deal with it alone. No matter how many people you have supporting you, no matter how many therapists you have on speed dial, no matter how many facilities you go to or drugs you take it all comes down to you. Your in it alone, no one can help and you've got to fight the battle of your life, with yourself. I don't know how many people really go through it. I know a lot of people say they have but if you have ever faced, or are facing depression you can tell the real ones from the whiners. Not that their problems aren't problems just that they are on an entirely different plane. And don't think I'm being all self-important either, my shit could be a hell of a lot worse. Atleast I've got things that keep me goin'. Alisha, Hope, and Judy, my father, Xander and Tasia, acting, I've got life support I guess you could say:)

Incessant ramblings

I tell you I'm alive

but I'm cold as death inside

Always with the lies

there poison

I see that now

or maybe I always knew

knew what i'd become

I've got no desire left

no happiness 

no strength

yet every time I open my mouth

you believe 

you all believe

i can't stand it

and yet it is withstood

I am wired to survive

and that kinda sucks

but of course that makes no sense

to anyone but me

I need someone to know what I know 

feel what I feel

see what I see

and there is no one 

and as if that weren't enough

my mouth WILL NOT speak the words!

a few choice words

thats all i need

a few choice words....

words that will not COME!

so maybe it is not a need 

no but a hope

or the shadow of one.

HA 

now I speak of shadows

hmm this truly is a ramble.

And yet I doubt anyone will see this

and if they did 

would they care

it must seem senseless

insane even

but theres more in me

so much more 

so much I CAN NOT 

possibly right it down

maybe I am high maintenance

interesting thought

but back to the issue

or one of them I should say

there are too many

it.... it confounds me 

that I cannot speak the words

and with all the words I have too choose from!!!

Maybe the problem is...

humanity.

yes I quite like the sound of that

humanity

Yes thats right

IT'S YOUR FAULT NOW!

hmm I think I've lost

(as if I hadn't already)

What I meant by that little tirade was

that humanity sits heavily on my shoulders

Everyone has always told me

what a great gift it was;

my empathy 

But they were all wrong

brutally wrong

Wrong wrong  WRONG!

no one can understand

no one I know atleast

It just hurts SO FUCKING BAD

like I won't ever be good enough

to protect it all

yet I suffer when the world suffers

Its all kind of complicated

I wouldn't expect a SANE person

to understand

But then again how sane are any of us???